today’s musing – the view from the mac window

Just a little drabble I wrote while working on the mac on the Embankment side of the building, overlooking the Thames…

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The mingling weave of bare twigs seem to hide the river from view, not that its soapy glisten was all that distinguishable from the white clouds masking the brilliance of the sun.  And yet the soft lulls of the fast-moving current become irrelevant amidst the blanket of dusky brown, crossing, and shattering the picturesque blend of condensation behind it. These small, insiginifcant twigs which I could snap between 2 fingers or my toes, these vulnerable miniature branches with now eight of their own, nary a pigeon could sit for a mere moment without crashing to the ground. And yet they bleed importance across the spectrum, even with the maginificent Thames and South Bank stamping its feet in its bid for attention, creating an intimate, natural display of tranquility in the hub of the city.

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today’s musing – we used to be friends

I’m in the midst of a crumbling friendship, one which used to be so amazingly strong and airtight, it’s kind of strange to see it disintegrating and falling between my fingers. Not that I’m stopping it from happening. In fact, i’m jumping up and down on those bonds, and basically clapping my hands together in the hoeps of getting rid of all ties as soon as possible. But it’s not as easy as that.

It’s always difficult to break a long-standing friendship, but it is a necessity of life. Like boyfriends, teddy bears and childhood infatuations,we also tend tog row out of our friendships. Different interests, outlooks, life status, you never know what defines that single breakingmoment. BUt the easiest way to fall apart is distance.

Moving overseas works wonders. But keeping a mutual distance also does the trick. I’ve lost many friends over the years, just lessening the amount of phone calls, cancelling dates until the only amount of communication becomes a half-hearted birthday greeting once a year. It works pretty well, you rarely see each other and as the days bleed into each other, you don’t even realise how much time has passed.

Of cours,e with social networking this becomes even easier, as suddenly lapsed friendships tend to work. You don’t need to see each other, share deepest darkest secrets and declare bosom buddy love for all eternity as long as you can poke and tag each other every other day. Or throw a chicken at one another.

But how do you tear the bonds of eternal friendship when you can’t distance yourself?  Some people don’t understand the friendship has fallen apart and they keep clinging onto it with their tiny little toes. How do you break off from someone whos always in need of your attention and requires activites, phone calls, laughs and time?

It’s difficult, it’s painful, but it has to be done. Some relationships are poisonous, and it takes a lot of effort to break through the misty haze and realsie just how poisonous they are. Some people never make it through, drowning in their own naivety, lost to forever wander in other’s shadows, mere puppets of their former selves. But once you break through, it’s a matter of that tiny device which gets us through all walks of life: baby steps. Baby steps. Stop picking up the phone every time, stop saying yes. make excuses. Don’t call when you’re lonely and want someone to come around, they weren’t around before, they won’t stay around now. Don’t give money, don’t give time, but give space. Soon enough, you’ll both move on and twirl in different circles, occasionally spinning past each other for a laugh voer the good times, until the moment is gone and you can twirl on again, happy, beaming and satisfied you saved yourself from imminent, crushing death.

After all, it’s high time you thought of yourself for once.

today’s musing – internet addiction

I’m not even bothering to wave both arms in the air for this one, since I’ve been committed and had my favourite straitjacket dry-cleaned for about 9 years now.

You don’t realise just how addicted you become to living in cyberworld, particualrly once you step into the world of social networking or virtual realities. Luckily, I never got sucked into Second Life, although I did live rather vicariously through my Sims for a few years, and let’s face it, if I still had that game now, I would have some very, very very naughty  sims playingwithe ach other and all thsoe little aliens, and I only jsut remembered the aliens and why don’t I have Sims anymore because it would so go with my new obsession…

ok, now that my brain has wandered off into blissful scenarios of sin and gluttony,  we can get back onto the topic at hand. Internet addiction, which I will admit to from the early days of the web, when the big thing was email and personal webpages, and nobody was using msn or ICQ. Actually, I stopped using messenger services because they weren’t popular, and then suddenly they took off and everyone wasking me why wasn’t I on ICQ? And I wodner how many people actually remember what ICQ is these days? But again, digressing….

I don’t have the internet. Not at home. Since I mvoed into my new hosue last week, there has been no connection. None whatsoever. They’re changing providers yet again, and I am attempting to re-focus my mind so I don’t go storming intor andom rooms, screaming obscenities and demanding we have itnernet now. I don’t know how to live without it. It’s my comfort food, sitting down and turning on my laptop each night, crawling udnerneath the covers and poking people on facebook or catching up on the latest fanvids on youtube. Yes, a lot of it is spent blearily reading small etxt on bright fuzzy screens, admittedly ruining my eyes for the decades to come, but it’s the ebst way to calm me down at a night time and let my mind wander. The whole universe is at your fingertips, and for a sci-fi and slightly nerdy geek with a fanatical obsessive disorder, nothing could be better than cyberspace.

And nothing could possibly be worse than being cut off.

It’s rather torturous, turning on the laptop and seeing that little cross over the comptuer icon. Not being able to connect,w atching my downloads in glaring red. I try to occupy myself with other things, reading that strangely large pile of books by my bedside, catching up on all the dvds and tv shows I keep holding onto for these exact situations, writing my own novels, playing Mahjong Tiles…but it doesn’t make any difference. Hell, I’ve even turned the laptop off and re-discovered that big shiny box in the living room with the moving pictures but still, I can feel the loss keenly.

Laugh all you want. Better yet, sign me up to rehab, I could do with some celebrity spottings. But admit it – how would you fare if the itnernet was suddenly torn away from you with no diea when you’d get it back? Going away on holdiays for a few days, not a problem. It’s probably nice to switch off for awhile, rediscover this thing called reality and actually stare momentarily at that big yellow thing in the sky which makes things brighter. But if you were cut off, with no access, no knowledge of when you’d be back and no access from work – I can’t think about it. The thought makes me want to break down and throw myself through the window.  It’s a fate worse than…ok, that’s exceeding reality a bit too much, but still it’s like cutting off an arm, ebcause your world, the entire world is no logner at your fingertips. It’s disintegrated, and considering how quickly you lose time normally when online, imagine how outof touch you’ll be when you’ve been off for a week.

Please internet provider gods, let me on this week.

today’s musing – time flies

Time seems to fly faster than Superman. Already it’s March. It’s funny, we tend to measure time not by what we’ve achieved and created, but by what we haven’t done. Already it’s March and I haven’t joined a gym. I haven’t organised internet in my house (hence the sparse moments of connecting with my cyber world through work). I haven’t been writing my novels. I haven’t created those travel blogs I wanted to, nor have I booked my holiday for Easter (possibly leaving it a teensy bit too late, come to think of it).

And yet, if I looked at all I have achieved this year, in less than 3 months, maybe things would look brighter, particualrly as the sun has decided to go into hiding from the ugly bad storm floating around in the skies. Of course, it’s risky looking over achievements, there’s always the possibility it may be a short and bitter list.

SO what have I accomplished in 10 weeks?

I started a new job and made new friends. I found a place to live. I’ve been to Poland and have book tickets to Cardiff, as well as slowly started to organise about 7 trips for this year. I’ve blown way too much money and shovelled msyelf further into debt. I’ve started paying off said debt. I’ve developed a new unhealthy addiction which puts a broad smile on my face every day, as well as increasing my collection of DVD’s i love but haven’t watched yet. I’ve developed new music tastes, started some new wonderful friendships with people I love,  and made a whole new set of resolutions which I still have 9 months to make or break.

Well, now I can happily switch off my computer and go home with a smile on my face. What a set of accomplishments in only 10 weeks!